next year's JaMacD bbq game plan

  
more food, less drinks.
way, way less drinks...

turkey weekend thoughts

 
- Thanksgiving is easily the best holiday of the year, food, football and a 4 day weekend, what more could you want? Although it was a lot better when we played our own football game without having to worrying about how much time from work we’d miss if we got hurt, or if our medical insurance is up to date. Now that’s a thing of the past, we are old, paranoid and pathetic. The one thing we are not as of yet is ball-less, despite the best efforts of those who want to make us that by suggesting we play flag football. Flag football…just the words make me gag. Playing with flags rids football of its two greatest attributes: 1) the physical nature of the game, which makes the game a non-big guy friendly event. We already have enough sports that 95lb speedy Somalians are good at. 2) the fact that football gives us the freedom and opportunity to hit the friends we might like a little less than the others. Ya, I said it.

- Watching regular season NBA is just torture. Thanks to the NFL’s capitalistic whoring way of showing some games exclusively on the NFL network (a channel only available to direct-TV customers, which of course the family we visit for thanksgiving is not) I was left with no viable alternatives to plead with the jackass holding the control to change the channel to. Id honestly rather sit and watch the WE network or oxygen with my mom than sit through a regular season NBA game. Playoffs are pretty boring too because you know who’s gonna win the series 95% of the time, but at least during the playoffs you can convince yourself the games somehow matter. The playoffs also mean the season is almost over, which is about as welcome as a party invitation to playboy mansion (hef, I know you’re reading this you old bastard…address the invite to Jablogger and Monster, we’re waiting). I can’t really blame the players though, if I had 82 games to play and half the teams were making the playoffs I wouldn’t give a shit either. But even as a player I still wouldn’t watch regular season NBA, seriously.

- And on this holiday weekend, on behalf of Monster and myself, I’d like to say that we are both very thankful for our health, family, friends, but most of all, we are eternally thankful for JaMacD’s Saturday BBQ bash. Never before has a golden brown turkey with all the amazing side dishes and trimmings sat in front of me while the thought “this is going to be the 2nd best meal of the weekend” ran through my mind. Long live JacMacD, his grill, and his vitally important yet majorly underrated sous-chef TDM.

The Mathematically Challenged Cashier

I have a tip for the retailers of America, and across the world, especially with the holiday season descending upon us, whereby you may need some more cashiers. Make this one of your prerequisites to hiring for the job: must be able to count.

I was recently in front of a cashier, I won't mention the establishment, because frankly it doesn't matter, this happens everywhere. The cashier told me that my total was $7.92. Wanting to get rid of some loose change in my pocket, I handed the young man a ten dollar bill, three one dollar bills, a dime, a nickel, and two pennies ($13.17). He handed me back everything but the ten dollar bill, then made change for it, handing me 2 one dollar bills, a nickel, and 3 pennies. If the combination of disbelief and outrage has a face, I was wearing it at that moment.

If you can't figure out why I'm outraged, you're probably a cashier.

So now, I leave the establishment not with the 1 five dollar bill and 1 quarter, as I had so intelligently anticipated, but rather, with 5 one dollar bills, a dime, two nickels, and 5 pennies. I was in such shock I couldn't even muster the courage to ask him to change it for me. I instead left the establishment with my tail between my legs, and one shattered sense of reality. What the hell am I going to use all these coins for? A vending machine? Vending machines haven't taken pennies in 50 years.

This made me think of our public school system, which has now become evident to me is grossly underfunded. This should not happen in this country. This kid should have had a better mathematical upbringing. This kid, it seems, was at least one child that was left behind. And the consequence? Me, walking to my car, contemplating the very existence of life itself, to the soundtrack of the dancing coins in my pocket.

Consequently, if any of you need change for a 5, now is the time to ask.

new rule for new parents

At no point during a telephone conversation is it okay for you to hand the phone to your offspring and have them “talk” to me. Ever!

Listen, I understand every parent thinks their kid is the cutest thing in the world and I understand their innate need to share that cuteness with every person they encounter through every imaginable median, but here’s the thing: the cuteness does NOT translate over the phone. In fact, the cuteness metamorphosizes into an episode of endless pointless frustration that has been known to induce self mutilating behavior. I’m pretty sure this was one of the controversial methods used at Gitmo to get info from prisoners.
I can’t see your damn kid being cute over the phone, all I can do is hear what seems to be a muffled mixture of words and drool as I count the minutes till you decide to take mercy on my soul by finally taking the phone away from him and ask me how precious he is in hopes that my answer doesn’t encourage you to give him back the phone. Stop it stop it stop it! Send me pictures, show me videos, endlessly talk my ear off about them, you can even bring your spawn over to my house and make me change it's diapers; just don’t put them on the phone with me.

NBA Beefs and Musings

• How is Gerald Wallace leading the league in rebounds?
• We need the refs to stop calling BS charges. Stern needs to put his foot down on this one. Give the offensive player the benefit of the doubt.
• The NBA does not need to expand anymore, it needs to retract. Has there been any teams worse than the current Nets or Kings? Me, Jablogger, and Monster could be starters.
• Carmelo looks in shape and ready to play. Too bad his team is not championship caliber. Coupled with one of the most overrated coaches this league has seen and bad attitudes, the team will go nowhere.
• Kobe is looking fresh and ready to play. I wonder if he has 82 games in him, plus the playoffs. As Bill Simmons says, 1,000+ games, you start to lose it. Kobe is trying to prove him wrong.
• The Bulls have a nice young nucleus with Rose leading the way. A nice addition or two in the summer of 2010 will go a long way.
• Iverson is a quitter. 2 GAMES in and he quits? Nice.
• Jordan is one of the worst GMs in the history of the league. Less golf, more GM'ing please. (Isiah keeps Jordan from being the worst.)
• Chad Ford of ESPN said he's sorry to Laker fans because it's the Magic's year this year. Look at this guys history, he's almost always wrong. Barring a major injury or multiple key injuries, I will change my name to Jablogger's choosing if the Lakers do not win it all! It is inevitable. On a side note, Boston is looking great. Their D is perfect, the signings of Wallace and Marquis Daniels looks good. KG is a concern since he is REALLY slowing down. He may need to take some games off. The guy is running on one leg out there and still has 2 years and 40 million left on his deal, not including this year. (I hope I'm wrong, but I REALLY doubt it)
• Did you know who the highest paid player in the NBA is? Tracy McGrady, who hasn't done anything in years. He'll be the biggest cap room trade chip in the league and NY will fight to get him. Maybe the Bulls can get in the mix as well.
• What's happening in New Orleans is horrendous. Why did they trade for Okafor again? Killing your future cap space for someone who can potentially score a couple of more points a game than Chandler? What a horrible trade. Boston is also looking like geniuses for not overpaying for Posey. Nice move Ainge. Chris Paul is counting the seconds until 2012 when he can bolt.
• The Suns are looking good early. Shaq leaves and they're playing better. Shaq goes to Cleveland and they're playing worse. We all know Shaq is built for the playoffs. We really can't pass judgement until then. It'll only matter is Lebron leaves or stays.
• Tweet to Don Nelson. Your team sucks and is in disarray. Just play Randolph more. That's all anyone wants from you and you can't even do that.
• If a team gives Amare a max contract in 2010, I will let Monster choose a name for me. I don't see how anyone who has seen Amare play can say that he's a max player. David West type money sounds about right. 8 million/year.
• Why you don't bet Jablogger when he looks confident. (you can see it in his eyes): Chris Kaman is the western conference player of the week. (Noah did have a 12/21 game on Tuesday)
• Go to Chicago Lebron!
• Bonus: I still can't believe the Lakers got Gasol.

The "Sir" Charade

When did the term "Sir" become a disparaging remark? I've noticed that over time, the term has become an increasingly easy way for someone to express their distaste or insult you while being as polite as possible. Some examples include, "Sir, it's your turn", or "Sir, you are holding up the line", or even "Can I help you, Sir?". The really irate subject will give you a "Sir" sandwich, as in "Sir, you're making a scene, Sir". This is modeled after the military, where a "Sir, yes, Sir" is the affirmative response, but I wouldn't take that as a sign of respect, the soldier is only speaking that way because he is terrified.

There are only three instances I can think of where you are pretty much ok, and that is the "Thank you (or You're welcome), Sir", the "I'm sorry, Sir", and the "Excuse me, Sir". But even those can be insulting if the intonation of speech is compromised. Even people who start a letter with "Dear Sir/Madam" might be only doing so because they figured your name wasn't important enough to figure out beforehand.

The word "Sir" was intended to refer to someone of superior rank or age, as in a Knight or some other type of nobleman. A way to express that the person speaking it was voluntarily subjugating themselves out of respect. Now, it's become a polite way of telling you to go fuck yourself.

remember remember

the 5th of November...

The Driving Thank You Wave

Over the last decade, fewer and fewer people are giving me the let me in your lane thank you wave. If I'm going to brake, wave you in, and let you go in front of me, the least you can do is give me a wave. I'm not asking for a triple or even a double shake wave. I could go as far as to say I don't even want a single shake wave. Just stick your hand up and give me some sort of acknowledgment for my selfless act of letting you in. Would that hurt? Would it cause you too much trouble to say thank you? The next time I speed up, don't complain.

While I'm on the subject, if you let me in and I give YOU the thank you wave, give me the car version of a "nod of approval" thank you. Put your hand on the steering wheel, stick your four fingers up, and give me an acknowledgment. I'm not asking anyone to stick their heads out of the window, just a simple acknowledgment will go a long way.

If you're not a thank you wave kind of person, don't expect me to let you in!

google wins at halloween

our non-celeb obsession

Why do so many people give a shit about John Gosselin? Really, what's wrong with you people? The media can't get enough of him, always talkin about who he's dating, where he's been sited, what a bad boy he’s become... it makes me sick. I had to wiki his ass a month or two ago just to figure out who the hell he was, and I'm not gonna lie, I was very proud of myself for not knowing about him after I realized what a tool he is and what he's famous for. Compared to him, Paris Hilton is totally worthy of her celebrity; at least she blew some dude on a night vision video camera for the world to see.
You people need to stop giving a crap about people who not only shouldn’t be famous but probably shouldn’t be allowed to breath from our air supply, and I need to get me a night vision video camera.